the contravoice: it’s the other voice inside your head, the one that’s always popping off. it’s your mom, the demon on your shoulder, your dad, the angel from the painting. it’s rational when you’re irrational, it provides the suspension of your disbelief. it’s your intuition, your pessimist, your godhead or your serpent. it’s the contra voice and we all have it. sometimes it’s right and sometimes it’s wrong, and learning when to listen to it is a fine art, it’s called wisdom. so difficult it takes a lifetime to master it. that’s why they call them the golden years, if you make it that long you’re doing pretty good at surfing life.
now imagine if you’re bipolar. the contravoice shifts in polarity in direct opposition to your mood swings. yesterday your contravoice encouraged you, and told you to keep the faith. you look fine, you’ll be ok, these things tend to work themselves out. maybe you remembered something from bible school or a pat on the back, a child or a lover. perfectly reasonable, dig deep and find the love. and it was enough, just like yesterday, of course it was fine, why wouldn’t it be? don’t worry, keep going .
enter the contravoice. today it presents convincing arguments that you’re poisonous, just point blank and laid out in cogent bullet points before a full-on in-memory slideshow of meteoric failures. the better the memory, the better the slideshow. pitty the genius. that’s why bipolars are 10x as likely as the rest of the population to commit suicide. and it throws in a little shame if you weren’t convinced. you’re smart enough to know it’s just Doubt coming up out of the well, so you rationalize, because you have to keep going, right?. everything’s fine, your family, your friends, your church, they’ll save you. but your contravoice is smarter than you. of course it is, and you have to concede to the logic and the arguments about the long term interests of all the vested individuals in your life because you’re still a decent person, just poisonous. so why are you here?
“manic depression is a frustrating mess” – jimi hendrix
so boom, there we go popping off again. what to do about the contravoice? when i cannot crush Doubt with my will i must revert to my established working parameters:
1) what would jimi hendrix do?
2) what about kindness?
solution: take the vaporizer over the .38, and play that funky music, white boy. some girl will love it. love is magic. gather some magic and make a beautiful story. pretty sure that’s what jimi would do.
\m/ (-.-) \m/