Monsters – Vader 2.0

I thought we hit peak villain this week with Trump’s eagerness to sacrifice your children by sending them to school this fall even as the country buckles under record breaking case counts, day after day. I can only wonder what the hell is wrong with that man, what twisted his brain into thorns.

Every American dystopia deserves a good villain, and the Confederate cape crowd, anti-vaxxers & anti-maskers (the Republican party) are still convinced it’s Bill Gates or George Soros, and that you’re sheeple.

Nope, just plain old Trump the clown villain. King of the kakistocracy. He’s like a fat, impotent Vader who blunts every attack with toddler logic, then flies around the room declaring victory, a modern Baron Harkonnen in a scalp toupee.

Indeed. You’d have to be an absolute monster to beat that.

However, deep in the heart of Florida where 1 in 3 people in Miami are infected, ICU’s are full and the case counts are a stairway to heaven, there has emerged another villain. I have always speculated the apocalypse will start in Florida and it seems to be upon us.

Enter Disney.

As in please come to Disney, we’re open. Bring us your children, overpay us at the gate, and enjoy a week at our resorts and theme park. It’s practically an American tradition, and we want you to know Florida is open for business.

Spend your day in the summer heat with thousands of other children, playing and sweating together, enjoying the same ride seats, eating in the same restaurants, using the same bathrooms and hugging the same lovable characters. And hugging each other, because Disney is and always has been a family affair. We like to spread it around.

Here at Disney nothing says villain better than killing off one of the parents in the opening scene. Maybe killing them both with a gruesome plague, write them out of the scene never to be seen again because they have to die alone in an ICU on a ventilator, but that would be John Wick levels of gratuitous cruelty.

We’re going for something more like Vader 2.0.

And although we can’t be thwarted in our commitment to villainy at Disney we need to keep it PG for the adorable children in the hotel room you’re all sharing. Look at what happened to Bambi, everybody loves Bambi & nobody wants to be reminded what happened. Marketing sent back a frowny face on the proposal, so maybe we’ll just kill off one parent. No reason to be cruel.

Besides honey, that would leave a huge plot hole, and we all have to fly home on Friday. We’d hate to leave you here to die alone. And don’t forget, the kids are starting school in just a few weeks. We need to go shopping, and Grandma will want to see them before they go back.

Have you heard from your mom lately? I hope she’s alright, the case the case counts are going back up you know. And we should probably plan a dinner with your sister and her kids before everybody gets too busy.

Coup de grace.

Yesterday’s Monsters post is here. It’s a long and winding call to arms to encourage you to keep your children home from school this fall given the risk of infection. And it’s a fair shot of spit and venom for Emperor Nero and his faithful clown parade.


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